I recently learned that I’ve spent a large portion of my life being afraid. Afraid of what specifically? Almost everything. It may sound crazy, especially to people who know me well/best…as they often think I’m fearless and strong. While I now recognize both those components are characteristics of my fierce inner/adaptive child self…I can admit finally that as an adult, fear was puppeteering much of my life. It was dictating so much of my story, that the air was becoming dangerously thin. It’s been exhausting, in a way that I had normalized. It’s been disconnecting in a way I’m no longer willing to accept for myself; keeping me separate. I’m no longer afraid to admit I believe in monsters…nor that the scariest ones have been my own.
It’s a humbling thing to face yourself…has for me, felt even terrifying. Only what I learned was the act of doing so, was the first step to becoming free. I’m not afraid anymore. Instead, I introduced myself again to the monsters I’d stuffed in the closet of my memories. I’ve asked them to leave, and realized that although I let them take up residence inside of me…some weren’t ever even mine-they just knew how big of a closet I had & that I always made space for them.
My soul felt a peace as I evicted, one by one, the fears and monsters I’d padlocked inside myself as a child. I inhaled more deeply than I ever physically could before. I exhale, and a smile of gratitude and freedom literally falls out of me. For the first time, I am free from the fear that I exchanged for life. I am deeply grateful today, and give myself grace for the lifetime I’ve spent accepting the monsters of my fear over faith, love, grace…and living.